The Dublin Transportation Office announced this week that up until Christmas, free parking would be available on all streets, including clearways, after 5 p.m., six days week, and throughout Sunday. Dublin City Council posted notices agreeing, writes Kevin Myers.
However, the DTO now disagrees with itself, declaring that the clearway promise was "probably in error" - an interesting word, "probably"; and the tow-away company, the US-owned Control Plus, insists it will remove any vehicle parked on clearways.
Look, chaps, I know you've had only a year since last Christmas to plan this Christmas - mere moments: only about as long it took to plan the D-Day landings - but is this really the best you can do? When did you have your first meeting about traffic management for Christmas 2003? In 1953? Or a minute ago, when DCC was vigorously represented by a doughnut, and DTO by a dead goldfish? And what happens when delegates from Dublin Transportation Office actually arrange a meeting with real officials from Dublin City Council? Do they convene in different rooms without windows, and communicate by semaphore? Or do they actually gather in the same room? No doubt Dublin Council officials describe their plans for Christmas in Hebrew, and the Dublin Transportation Office representatives address their counterparts in Arapaho.
Meanwhile, the Control Plus delegation is in a traffic jam at the Red Cow Roundabout, where they've been stranded for the past two weeks. Still, they're no longer famished, having just - this second! - finished consuming their youngest member (a surprisingly tasty lad, considering he was from Seattle, where all that coffee consumption often tends to give human flesh a slightly agitated quality).
The City Council official enthusiastically outlines proposals to ban all traffic in the capital for December, so that Dubliners will have to depend solely on public transport, which will be available 24 hours a day. No parking will be allowed anywhere. Unfortunately, he has been unable to source a map of Dublin, but - look! - here's a street map of Lhasa, which is nearly as good. He unrolls it on the desk. See: various suburbs of the Tibetan capital are now Tippexed with Dublin placenames - Donnybrook, Walkinstown, Rathmines, et cetera, and all DART stations are represented by yaks. Lhasa hasn't got a river, so the Liffey is portrayed by the official babbling like a waterfall when his finger gets near a quayside. He then sings Hava Nagila and sits down, to a round of applause from his fellow officials.
The official from the Dublin Transport Office declares in Arapaho that he is honoured to work with his esteemed council colleagues again (Hear, hear, from DTO members). He has fond memories of the great traffic jam of 1998 which won them a place in the Guinness Book of Records. (DTO applause: blank faces from the Council). There's no reason why they shouldn't achieve more at Ramadan 2003. He has listened with great interest to the proposals from the City Council. And though some of the more technical Hebrew terms went above his head, he's sure they are of one mind.
So yes, he continues, the DTO agrees that the DART will be closed for the duration of December. Commuter trains will be suspended - probably from a large crane. No buses will run at all, and bus corridors will be opened to cars at all times. There'll be free on-street parking, 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, the DTO has been unable to get a street map of Dublin at such extraordinarily short notice, but he has here a picture of a cow's stomach.
Now, if you can imagine that the small intestine here is Ranelagh, then you'll of course realise that the left kidney is Phibsborough. Operation Freeflow will enable traffic to travel between those two areas, via the liver, the oesophagus - not actually on this map, but look, this coffee stain on the table will do - and the spleen, as represented by my biro here, the blue one, that is.
Needless to say, O'Connell Bridge is for northbound traffic only: southbound traffic will catch the ferry to Hollyhead and return via Dun Laoghaire. A small diversion, to be sure, but I think you'll find it's worth it. The red biro over here is, of course Capel Street Bridge, by which you travel to the anus, namely the Four Courts. Any questions? The delegates from Dublin City Council stay mum, their mastery of Arapaho being on a par with a dog's understanding of particle physics.
Good, excellent, declares the chairman in Morse code, using his eyelids. I think once again we've had a perfect meeting of minds. Before I adjourn this gathering, I'd like to invite a representative of the Railway Procurement Agency to explain the plans for Luas over the festive season.
The Luas representative has been studying the chairman's rapidly blinking silence with a bemused smile. Then suddenly the eyes are upon him, and he rises. For the purposes of universal clarity, he speaks Estonian. During the month of December, Luas will be inserting a nuclear power plant in St Stephen's Green, because the RPA had just discovered there isn't enough electricity in the ESB grid to drive the trams. Also one on O'Connell Street. Oh yes, and one on the scandalously under-utilised Red Cow Roundabout, between the creamery, the crèche and the main runway.
A rather successful meeting, remarks the chairman to the DTO representative, who replies cheerily: Bhghtyzxw glmt vvvvx! And thus it was that traffic management for the coming Christmas was once again in the bag.