It is with some pride and pleasure that An Irishman's Dairy is able to present the first interview with Ireland's new epidemic supremo, Joe Jacob, who leapt to world fame with his mastery of how Ireland would cope with a nuclear disaster, writes Kevin Myers.
The subsequent absence of any of the effects of such a disaster is clear proof of the efficiency and zeal with which the Junior Minister for Nuclear Catastrophe has discharged his duties. In his competence, his urbanity, his erudition, his charisma and his wit, he is Fianna Fáil's answer to Sir Anthony O'Reilly. Welcome to An Irishman's Diary, Sir Joseph.
Begob.
Now Sir Joseph, outline if you would how the Government intends to prevent this Asian virus sweeping through Ireland, killing millions.
The first thing is, the first thing, is not to catch the virus. That's the crucial thing. If no one gets the virus, no one will get the illness, do you get my drift? Don't get the virus. We're urging all your listeners not to catch the virus.
We haven't got listeners. We've got readers, Sir Joseph.
Is this not RTÉ Radio 1, and are you not Marian Finucane?
No, this is a newspaper, and I do not have the great good fortune to be Marian Finucane. How should people avoid catching the virus?
It's very simple. You know how not to catch a bus or a train? Not catching a virus is pretty much the same thing. If anyone's in any doubt, the Government will be distributing a fact sheet, giving you all you need to know about not catching the virus. Are you sure you're not Marian Finucane?
Positive. Outline for us what people should do if they have contracted the virus, if you please, Sir Joseph.
Certainly, Marian. If you catch the virus, have a temperature of 102 degrees and are sneezing violently, don't go to the theatre or to classical concerts. Keep your socialising to football matches, supermarkets and rock concerts, where the sneezes won't disturb people.
You think infected people should continue to go out?
I do. Oh I do, Marian. We can't have panic, closing the country down because of a tiny virus. Do you how small a virus is? It's tiny. Tiny, tiny, tiny. Would you have me close the country down over a tiny virus? Sure that would be doing the virus's job for it.
You think people should sneeze in public?
I don't think people should sneeze in public just for the sake of sneezing. Lookit. We're not sneezing now, are we, Marian, because we have no need for it. But if you wanted to sneeze, I'd say to you, Marian, you go ahead and sneeze, it's unhealthy to keep it in. A good sneeze does you the world of good, that was what my great granny used to say, and she was at it the whole time. Never stopped, we'd hear her doing it right through the night, and she lived to be 110.
You expect infected people to sneeze all over the place?
Not all over the place. No, the Government doesn't say that. I mean not in someone's face. That's bad manners, Marian, even you know that. Sneeze into a handkerchief if you have one, or onto your sleeve if you haven't. 'Tis as good, as my great granny used to say, and her sneeze-sleeve was her pride and joy. She could dig praties with it, and even use it as a chopping board when she was making a salad.
Some people might consider that unhygienic, and a way of spreading germs.
It might spread germs, but not viruses - how else could my great granny have lived to 110? Even in her coffin she looked the picture of health. And so did her sleeve.
So in essence, what's the message you want to give people, Sir Joseph?
Not to panic. The Government has got the situation under control, just as we have global warming, nuclear catastrophe at Sellafield, and the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef. Look at how well we coped with the dam-burst in Chile and the earthquake in Pakistan. Zero casualties here.
Any other advice. Sir Joseph?
Certainly. Only have sex with your married partners. But if you really feel the need for sex, make it safe and use a condom every time. Contrary to what people believe, HIV cannot be communicated by sneezing.
HIV? We're not talking about HIV, we're talking about SARS.
I don't think so, Marian. The Rooshans got rid of that shower long ago. Listen. Fancy a cup of coffee when the show's over?