Feeling hot under the collar? Need to let it out? Then do, say angermanagement counsellors. Shane Hegarty reports.
'Can you imagine life without anger? It would be very bland," says Pat Grange, a trainer with MRCS Counselling. Anger, he says, is not as bad as society tells us it is. The trick is not to deny the impulse but to channel it positively.
"If I was to say to you don't feel happy, don't feel sad, you can imagine how difficult that would be. So it's OK to go out to the back wall of the garden and throw old crockery at it. You can throw a tantrum. If it's not hurting anybody it's OK. It's about learning that it's OK to express anger and that it doesn't always have to be in an abusive or negative way."
From the end of the month MRCS Counselling (formerly Marriage & Relationship Counselling Services), will run workshops on male anger, prompted by the frequency with which domestic violence emerges in the backgrounds of couples who turn to the service for help.
Grange does not believe it necessarily indicates more domestic violence, only that counsellors now recognise it quicker. "Previously, dealing with couples we wouldn't specifically ask the question is there violence? If they said there was the odd tiff or argument in the relationship we would let it go. Now we ask the question directly, and it has become much more evident since we started that."
Domestic violence is the extreme end of the problem, but rage is an emotion recognised by everyone. The idea that anger is bubbling below the surface of even the most mild-mannered of people has been fuelled by concerns about street violence and road rage, as well as about whether the stress of modern life is creating a society that is always on edge. In the film Anger Management Hollywood even found the comedy in it. Anger is recognisable to everyone; the difference comes in how we react to it.
"It's part of our make-up," says Grange. "We're born with anger and frustration. Think of a baby without a bottle. It will rage when it feels its survival is threatened. Attitudes after that, though, are governed by childhood and what we see in our families and what we see around us. We're all capable of reacting, it's just that some of us can see what is inappropriate and others can't."
He does not believe the change in men's domestic roles has had a big effect. Anger is not a new phenomenon, only one that is better understood. That society expects men to display masculinity yet does not expect them to confront their emotions does take its toll, however. "It can be triggered by a number of things. It can be small underlying issues that are allowed to ferment and develop over the years, and suddenly they reach a point where the person explodes. Often people will let things drift. If they are under stress or feel their masculinity threatened they won't speak up. They feel they should be able to cope. They struggle with that all the time until something triggers it off."
In fact, he suggests, it is women who require attention. "There is a lot of pressure on them at work and home. That stress will show unless it is recognised and dealt with and they are taught that they don't have to be this omnipotent person who can deal with everything."
Although the workshops are aimed at men, Grange says the issue of female anger will be dealt with in time.
The workshops will attempt to explore and understand men's anger, as it is usually a mask for other problems. "Anger hijacks the other emotions. It's fight or flight. It's a very primal bit that is in our brain and that we have no control over. It gets triggered if we feel that something threatens our need to survive." The first step in dealing with anger is to understand one's relationship with it, when it occurs and why. "Part of the work is getting people to take responsibility, to say that this isn't the drink or my partner, this isn't the guy who cut me off at the roundabout, this is me."
It is then about recognising the physiological signs, such as breathlessness, quickened heartbeat or sweating, and being able to walk away from a situation and assess what's happening. In that moment, he adds, it is important to understand the possible consequences of losing one's temper. It may not manifest itself in the most obvious ways, either. "You don't have to hit someone to show you're angry. It could be done through intimidation or sexual control, through a gesture or a look. It can even be shown through silence."
We can, he says, vent frustration in different ways, whether through contact sports or calming meditation. Some Asian companies, he observes, have acknowledged the need for people to let off steam in a controlled way, including supplying beanbags or cushions they can thump when they need to release stress.
"It is all very positive, because it doesn't overstep the mark of intentionally hurting somebody. Once it's not intentionally setting out to cause hurt then it can be OK to release that anger, because at the end of the day if we do hurt someone else we are also hurting ourselves. That leads to feelings of guilt, shame and remorse and only perpetuates the problem."
Call Pat Grange on 01-6785256 for details of the understanding anger course