TV VERDICT: The Eurovision opened with a message from the astronauts on board the International Space Station, but, as expected, they were not the only space cadets on the night, writes Shane Hegarty
Europe's finest and least self-conscious performers were beamed to us live from an epic set in Latvia, where the hosts seemed to have invented some new colours just for the occasion. Making a decision was as difficult as ever, even if it all sounded the same. Would it be the sarcastic-but-affectionate commentary of the BBC's Terry Wogan or the sarcastic-but-affectionate commentary of RTÉ's Marty Whelan? Mickey Harte was third to perform. "He went big," said Terry. "He did us proud!" said Marty. Terry called him Mickey Joe. Marty called him Mickey.
Neither echoed Dustin the Turkey, who recently referred to the singer as the only man in Ireland with two organs in his name.
When tATu appeared, a continent held its breath. They were, though, far less provocative than some had feared and others had hoped. They wore more clothes than most of the other contestants, and the sapphic shenanigans were restrained.
"That's going to divide Europe," said Terry after the song. It divided Latvia. The Latvian audience in the hall booed every mention of the Russian act, but the Latvian public gave them 12 points. Latvia was then forced into the absurd situation of booing itself.
The United Kingdom was represented by Jemini, featuring four girls with legs that were very long and voices that were very flat. They seemed to be singing a different song to the backing track provided. When the voting began it became clear that Europe had put its collective fingers in its ears. The nul points stacked up.
Terry remained loyal. "I think the United Kingdom is suffering from what I would call post-Iraqi backlash," he said, refusing to acknowledge that the United Kingdom might have instead been suffering from post-Jemini backlash.
The voting brought Europe together through a common language of pidgin English. Pleasantries took an age ("I think that you can't wait, you can't wait to find out about the results about how Bosnia-Herzegovina jury voted.")
It made things a little awkward. When the Bosnian presenter got a little mixed up and had to start again, the Latvian host snapped at her, "Wait, wait, wait, wait!" in a manner so brusque one briefly feared an outbreak of hostilities.
Phil Coulter joined Marty for the voting, and the two engaged in a fierce battle of wittering.
Over on the BBC, with the result in doubt until the very end, Terry was on the edge of his seat. Would it be Brussels or Istanbul next year? Turkey won at the last.
"Sunshine holiday!" he yelled in triumph.