The Last Straw/Frank McNally: The debate over whether Bertie Ahern is a politician of the left or right, or of the "centre-left" as he says himself, only proves how outdated these terms are.
Even so, out of a sense of public duty, I feel bound to clear up the confusion on this issue, which arises - I believe - from the seating arrangements in Leinster House.
Leinster House is highly eccentric by international parliamentary standards in that the government parties sit to the left of the chair. In most countries, it's the other way round: a convention that dates from the eve of the French Revolution. A bit like the Dáil two weeks ago, the French Assembly resumed in 1789 after a controversially long recess (175 years). And when it did, the nobility sat to the right of the king, while the future revolutionaries of the Third Estate sat on the left.
The aristocracy was instinctively aligning itself with Christian tradition, and the idea that on the Last Day, the chosen ones will sit on the right-hand side of God. Many of the nobles believed they had their Judgment Day seats already reserved, but the revolutionaries ensured they got there early, just in case. And from 1789 onwards, the "right" and "left" were metaphors for the political establishment and those who would overthrow it.
Thus we see that the left-right political divide has its origins in the Bible, which states that the righteous and the non-righteous will be separated, yea, "even as the shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats" (Matthew 25:32).
This is a rather judgmental basis on which to arrange democratic representatives. On the other hand, the same passage defines the qualifications for righteousness ("I was hungry and you gave me food, thirsty and you gave me drink. In prison and you came to see"). And with a few additions (e.g.: "I had a problem with planning permission and you put in a word for me"), it could be a manual for Irish election candidates.
But we come back to the problem of Leinster House where, contrary to global practice, the sheep grazeth to the left of the chair (Standing Orders 27:35), while the goats (who grazeth not) are on the right, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Bertie Ahern's self-assessment of his place on the Irish political spectrum is therefore true, literally. But the shortcomings of the spectrum are highlighted by the fact that the revolutionaries - Sinn Féin - sit on the extreme right of the Dáil (comments on a postcard, please); while the PDs, a party considered centre-righteous, if not out-and-out righteous, sits on the left.
I think we can see why the right-left divide has become meaningless, and why sheep and goats alike are being driven into the political centre, now more congested than the Red Cow Roundabout.
Speaking of which, another left-right divide on which we differ from most of the world, is driving. And again, 1789 defined this issue. The carriages of the French aristocracy used to keep to the left, perversely, and their driving was famously homicidal. Poor people walked on the right, facing them, so they could jump out of the way at short notice (still good advice for anyone visiting Paris). But post-revolution it was decreed that everyone should travel on the right, a law imposed throughout Europe by Napoleon.
Here too, Ireland flouts convention, along with Britain and a dwindling number of countries. And surely sooner or later, we're going to have to switch, as Sweden did in the 1960s. The good news is that there are encouraging precedents. Until 1938, for example, Austria used to have both systems - the dividing line corresponding to Napoleon's 1805 advances. Then the Germans invaded and, overnight, everyone was forced to drive on the right. There was chaos for a while, apparently, because nobody could see the road-signs, but the new system stuck eventually.
Ireland is clearly better positioned for change than Austria in that, cunningly, many local authorities have not yet installed road signs. Also, the traffic in Dublin is so bad that if we phased in right-side driving for - say - vehicles with even registration numbers, nobody would notice. But above all, in the parts of the country that do have signage, we have already proven our willingness to be good Europeans by simultaneously adopting metric values (yet another product of the French Revolution) for distance, while keeping imperial measures for speed limits.
It cannot be beyond our politicians to come up with a similar compromise concerning which side of the road we drive. That whole left-right Marxist dialectic thing is finished. Surely we can meet Europe somewhere in the middle on this one.