. . . but if they did, then the Government might well be first in the queue for sponsorship. Frank McNally (because he's worth it) looks at a new idea for product placement
The Government's decision to seek commercial sponsorship for the forthcoming Irish EU presidency is a worrying development, despite its laudable aim of minimising the cost to the Irish exchequer.
The assurance by the Minister for Foreign Affairs that sponsorship will be of goods and services only, and not of cash, will ease some of the worst fears about the departure. This would at least seem to rule out the prospect of EU leaders lining up outside Government Buildings in Nike baseball caps; although, in the context of European treaty negotiations dragging on interminably, the slogan "Just do it" might finally make sense.
But one of the services most needed during EU presidencies is group photography. And the big worry, in the light of recent events, is that Hello! magazine would get exclusive rights to the presidency, with visiting VIPs being smuggled into marquees, bouncers launching kung fu attacks on newspaper snappers, and angry locals complaining about the hijacking of their communities.
A more acceptable sponsor would be the tourism sector. Indeed, given the understandable desire of ministers to host events in their own constituencies, the schedule of meetings for next year is already shaping up like a "Discover Ireland" promotion. For the same reason, EU ministers will find themselves visiting parts of the country largely unspoilt by tourism - like Tullamore, Brian Cowen's home town, where a meeting of foreign ministers is planned.
Unfortunately, there are often perfectly good reasons why certain areas are unspoiled by tourism. The appalling vista - no offence to the scenery in Tullamore - would be if excessive local chauvinism were to prevent Ireland being showcased at its best. One can only hope the Cabinet will not go down this particular road (and instead stay on the N6 at Kilbeggan, following the signposts for Galway).
Presumably part of any goods sponsorship deal will be that the sponsors can promote themselves as such, eg: "Shell - official midnight-oil supplier to the Irish negotiating team". Since the presidency coincides with the planned implementation of Micheál Martin's smoking ban, there is an obvious opportunity here for nicotine patch manufacturers. But there may also be a case for the Department of Health to invest some of its promotional budget in sponsoring the talks on a final draft of the EU constitution. There is a precedent for this in the Department's sponsorship of snooker, a sport which - like EU negotiations - had long been synonymous with smoky rooms, hardball playing, and misspent lives.
Major agreements concluded during a presidency are traditionally named after the city where the talks took place, hence such dull-sounding documents as the Maastricht Treaty and the Petersberg Tasks. This looks set to change. With the exciting possibilities opened up by sponsorship, Ireland could conclude the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Treaty, or the Denny Gold Medal Sausages Protocol, depending on who gets the contract.
If the exchequer figures continue to worsen, maybe we could also organise a telethon to coincide with any late-night talks, and have Pat Kenny urging the public to ring in with pledges: "OK folks, we have a bid of €150 for Brian Cowen's tie. But he's just promised to take his shirt off for the first person on the phone with a pledge of €1,000." And if the Government is really desperate, maybe RTÉ would go for a reality TV series in which the losers have their accession to the EU vetoed: "Who goes - Latvia or Slovenia? You decide!" Obviously, this sort of thing could bring the EU into disrepute, which is a danger with any kind of commercial sponsorship. That's why I think we should follow the lead of US public service television, and the children's show Sesame Street in particular.
Under this model, the public would be the sponsors, and in return we, the Irish people, could interrupt the programme of activities for EU leaders with announcements such as: "Today's programme is brought to you by the letter 'D' and the number 'Five billion'. 'D' is for 'Democratic Deficit'. 'Five billion' is for 'us continuing to ignore the democratic deficit'. What do you say, fellas?" It's a radical plan, but I think it might work.