ASK THE EXPERT:Your parenting questions answered by DAVID COLEMAN
Q I am a grandfather blessed with 12 beautiful grandchildren. Two of our grandchildren are the only children in their families. One of these is perfectly healthy – eats vegetables and fruit, has a healthy balanced diet and is involved in sport and dance. The other only child is the exact opposite. He is eight years old and is grossly overweight. He already has a double chin, “boobs” and a huge stomach. His staple diet is chips and nuggets. He has never eaten fruit or vegetables.
The mother is the main problem and she is the in-law. I get on quite well with her but would find it most difficult to bring up this topic. My son is totally non-confrontational and is afraid to bring the issue up. She rants and screams when he does. What am I to do? I do not want a major family confrontation but I do feel that someone must speak up for the boy. Any advice or direction you can give me will be greatly appreciated.
A
It seems to me that there are two issues, here. The first is the apparent obesity of your grandson and the impact that this will have on his overall health. The second is the influence that you might be able to bring to bear to help address that obesity.
Childhood obesity is a growing problem in Ireland. The most recent research from Safefood, in association with the HSE, shows that approximately one in five children in Ireland is either overweight or obese.
We know that there are clear health risks associated with overweight and obesity. These include heart disease and type 2 diabetes. In childhood, more than adulthood, obesity makes you different to the majority of other children and so may also make you a target for bullying.
Being obese, as a child, can be a hard position to change. Further research shows that most overweight children will go on to become overweight adults, especially if one or more of their parents is overweight.
Part of the reason for this may be because, as other US research shows, the majority of mothers of overweight or obese children think that their children’s weight is fine for their age.
This, too, may be at the nub of the problem you describe. From outside the family, you perceive that your grandson has a problem, but as yet, his mother doesn’t acknowledge it as such. Until such time as she does feel that her son’s weight is problematic she will not be motivated to help him to address it.
In terms of change theory, your daughter-in-law is still at a stage of pre-contemplation. That is to say that she hasn’t even begun to think about changing because she doesn’t realise, or accept, that it is necessary.
If your son seems to agree with you that his own son’s weight is problematic then your joint first task is to help your daughter-in-law to see that there is a problem.
However, before launching into an information campaign to raise her awareness of things like healthy eating, the need for exercise, the dangers of overweight, body mass index (BMI) and such like, you first need to understand what might be behind her reluctance to acknowledge the problem as you see it.
It may be that she feels that any criticism of her son’s weight is a criticism of her and her parenting. If so, then she is bound to be defensive and resistant to acknowledging that there is a problem. It may be that she worries that to start addressing her son’s weight might make him self-conscious about it and have a negative impact on his self-esteem.
The same research that showed that the majority of mothers of overweight children believe their children’s weight is fine also showed that those who may realise there is a problem feel overwhelmed by it and think the challenge is too great to tackle.
She may not feel confident to set clearer limits, say no and, consequently, be in charge of her son. But equally, she may not appreciate or welcome any criticism of her current parenting style.
Maybe your daughter-in-law just doesn’t know how to start to address the issue and so adopts a “head in the sand” position.
If your son shows greater understanding of his wife’s reluctance to deal with the issue of obesity by empathising with her position (whatever it might be), he may be able to get around the defensive, resistant wall that she puts up. However, until she feels that change is needed, there will be no progress.
It is crucial that your grandson’s mother feels supported and encouraged to change rather than criticised for not changing.
If your daughter-in-law does begin to acknowledge that her son is indeed overweight or obese, then your son and she can adopt a shared approach to dealing with their son’s weight.
Such an approach needs to acknowledge that all three of them had a role in letting the situation develop to the current state and that all three of them now need to be involved in helping to change things.
Then their whole family may need to look at their habits and lifestyle. Typical factors that are associated with obesity include: the kinds of food offered to, and eaten by, children; the amount of food (in terms of portion size); the amount and regularity of exercise children take; the distraction of TV while eating; the amount and quality of food eaten outside the home; and our insistence that children eat everything on their plate rather than be guided by their appetite.
While you seem ready to engage in conflict in order to address the issue in your family, I would urge you to be patient; to be understanding and to be supportive. Then it is much more likely that your opinions will be met with openness rather than hostility and your grandson might benefit from all the important adults in his life helping him to reach a healthier weight.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com