Dear Roe,
My husband of 21 years recently told me he doesn’t love me any more, doesn’t know if he wants to try to get the spark back and wants to live as friends indefinitely for the sake of our three small children (our youngest is one year old). He had a very bad childhood and always had huge trouble discussing his feelings. He has become progressively depressed since our youngest child was born and has withdrawn from me and stopped having sex for the last three months. I presumed this was a symptom of his depression, and he repeatedly reassured me we were not in trouble and he just needed to sort his head out. Now he is saying I am the problem and has asked me not to talk to anyone about this. Most of his answers to my questions (when, why, why now and so on) are “I don’t know”. He wants us to continue being married, being nice to each other, just in separate beds with no affection, indefinitely. That would be impossible for me when I am still in love with him. I am completely shocked and floored by this and don’t know what to do. My gut is saying this is a symptom of severe depression but I am afraid this is wishful thinking. He will not talk to anyone about this, be it friend or counsellor. The only person he will talk to is me, and he can’t really take anything I say on board at the moment when he has stated he doesn’t like me. When I suggested I would have to tell a friend or family member of his as I was worried about his mental health, he got angry and accused me of threatening him and said, “That’s not how to win me back”. I have started seeing my old counsellor again this week. I am at a complete loss on what to do next as I am seriously struggling to live in this pretend state, even temporarily.
This is such a painful situation to be in, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. I hope you know this already, but allow me to state it explicitly: this is not your fault. You are not the problem. Do not blame yourself for this.
Only your husband is capable of knowing what is going on with him. You mention he had a difficult childhood, and for some people who have had trauma or abuse in childhood, becoming a parent can be very complex, as they witness just how vulnerable children are and come to feel the weight of the cruelty they received, or the care and protection they did not. It can be very triggering and destabilising, and without tools and support to address this, it can result in a shutting down or lashing out at those close to them. Or the pressure of parenting and the massive shifts that often occur within a relationship, where partners get decentred as the needs of the children take over, could be opening up feelings of abandonment that your husband is feeling very acutely but is unable to express or manage. Or it could be random, severe depression. There are endless possibilities for what is going on with your husband, many of them worthy of empathy and support – but I need to be very clear: you are not and cannot be responsible for taking on the work of healing your husband when he is not willing to do anything to heal himself. You can support someone and offer help without taking on the responsibility and/or blame for his struggles.
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It’s interesting that initially, your husband said that his withdrawal was something to do with him, before he switched and started blaming you, but is unable to be specific about what you have apparently done. This feels like someone who cannot figure out or tolerate their own distress projecting it on to you, because if you are the problem, he can simply blame you instead of dealing with his own issues. His attempt to prevent you from talking about his behaviour or seeking out support, and his accusations about “threatening him” are – consciously or not – tactics of manipulation. He is trying to block you from having outside guidance (because he knows he won’t come out favourably) and he is positioning himself as the victim. This is a way of trying to control his environment and you because he feels so desperately unable to control whatever is going on inside him.
None of what has happened necessarily means your marriage is over. But you cannot solve his issues for him, and you cannot solve this problem by being more accommodating, more silent, or by accepting his terms. You need to start being very clear on what you and your children need, and pursuing that. This next stage is not about trying to “win him back”. This is about doing what you need to sustain yourself and your children, seeing if he is willing to do anything to address his issues and save this relationship, and if not, taking that information and figuring out your next steps.
Keep going to your therapist. Also tell some trusted friends and family members what is going on. Where he has been laying down decrees and demands, you can gently start setting some boundaries and pushing back on his framing. You can express love and empathy, you can acknowledge that he is struggling, and you can tell him you are willing to give him time and support as he figures things out – but not indefinitely, not without his input, and not with the long-term goal of living together in an affectionless marriage. If your relationship is to be salvageable, he needs to participate in saving it. He needs to speak to a GP and with an individual therapist, and later you need to have a plan to see a couples counsellor. This isn’t you abandoning him, this is you supporting him as he receives necessary professional support for an issue that is blowing up your lives.
If he refuses, you need to ask does he envision you ever being back together? If he does, him seeing a therapist is necessary for that to be possible. If he doesn’t, then he is communicating with you that he wants the marriage to end, and you will both need to discuss what that means.
It’s hard. I know it is. I want you to remember that love doesn’t suddenly disappear. Your husband is obviously going through something that is shutting down his ability to feel his own feelings, and to connect with anyone. That’s awful. But he is also an adult, a husband and a father. He needs to take responsibility for addressing his issues and accept support when offered, not simply destroy the stability of everyone’s lives.
You can have empathy for your husband while also remaining clear about what you and your children need. You love him, but you also love yourself and your children. You want to save your marriage, but you also want a real relationship where both adults take responsibility for themselves. You want to give him time, but cannot live indefinitely in emotional limbo. You want him to heal, but you are not going to accept the blame for the ways he is hurting. You want your family to be together, but aren’t willing to communicate to your children that this is how they should treat their emotions or the people they love.
This period needs to become less about guessing what is happening in his mind, and more about staying anchored in your own. I really hope it gets easier.
