My boyfriend wants much more sex than I do. Can we make it work?

Dear Roe,

I’m a woman and I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We’re now discussing marriage. I love him so much and am excited to be married to him. We see eye to eye on nearly every issue, but our sex life is causing us some tension and stress.

He has a higher libido than I do, and for the past two years I’ve had a lot more sex than I would normally choose. It’s all consensual and he doesn’t pressure me, he just initiates sex a lot and is fine when I say no – but I’m aware of how often I say no, and so I sometimes say yes to ensure the gap isn’t so big.

To be honest, sometimes I resent it, and I’m worried that when we get married and eventually have children, this gap is going to widen and either he is going to resent me for not having enough sex, or I’ll resent him for constantly wanting sex. When we do have sex I usually enjoy it and am glad we did it afterwards, because we feel closer, but I find the whole cycle of him initiating and me deciding whether to say no or just go through with it really tiring. It’s making the whole prospect of sex feel exhausting.

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What you’re experiencing is a very common pattern in relationships where one person has a higher libido than the other, and I will address that and hopefully give you some ways to navigate that. I do want to flag that women, in particular, are often socialised to agree to sex that is consensual but that they aren’t initially enthusiastic about, and the reasons for this and the impact of these kinds of sexual encounters can vary hugely.

In Why Humans Have Sex, researchers Cindy Meston and David Buss explored the reasons people report having sex, and listed 237 reasons that men and women cite for having sex – and not all of these were to do with sexual desire. The reasons ranged from “I wanted to show my affection to the person” and “I wanted to express my [emotional] love to the person” to “I was afraid to say no”.

It’s immediately clear from these examples that there can be huge differences in the motivations behind having sex – some being negative reasons, such as feeling coerced or forced to say yes, while positive reasons can come from a desire to feel emotionally close to another person and being happy to do so via sex, even if you don’t start from a place of overwhelming lust.

These differing motivations were further explored by researchers Amy Muise, Emily Impett and Serge Desmarais, who also explored people’s motivations for having sex, and divided these reasons into two categories: approach goals and avoidance goals. Approach goals refer to having sex with someone to experience or provoke something positive, like expressing love, affection, intimacy; whereas avoidance goals refer to having sex with a partner to avoid experiencing or provoking a negative feeling, such as trying to avoid a fight, or trying to prevent a partner being angry with you.

Unsurprisingly, researchers found that when people had sex for approach reasons, they generally felt more emotionally and sexually satisfied, even if they didn’t start the sexual interaction experiencing a huge amount of lust or purely sexual desire. People who have sex for these approach reasons often do feel closer to their partner afterwards and the sex has a generally positive effect. Many people in long-term relationships or who are experiencing a stressful time will often recognise this dynamic, where energy levels or lust is low and so getting sex started can require more effort, but it does create some connection and bonding, and partners benefit from having made that effort.

In contrast, when people had sex for avoidance reasons, they reported being less sexually and emotionally satisfied. As we know, consent must be given enthusiastically – everyone must want to say yes, and not be scared to say no – and frequently having sex for avoidance reasons can be indicative of an unhealthy relationship, and can cause huge issues around sex, ranging from feelings of irritations and resentment to fear and violation.

It can be easy to take sex for granted, and to stop putting in the effort and doing those lovely gestures that make each other feel connected and want to have sex

I mention all this to address that our motivations to have sex can vary hugely, and sometimes having sex even when not initially overcome with lust or sexual desire is fine. But sometimes it’s not, and because women can often be socialised to have more sex than they want, that is something both women and partners of women need to be very conscious of and navigate carefully so that negative patterns don’t become the norm in a relationship.

The pattern that you seem to be experiencing can be quite common in relationships, where difference in libidos can cause a pursue-withdraw pattern, where one partner wants for sex more than the other and through repeated requests, can unintentionally create a feeling of pressure. Understandably, for the partner with the lower libido, this dynamic can have a negative impact on their sexual desire, as they either avoid sex entirely, or have sex for avoidance reasons, like wanting to avoid feeling guilty for saying no or to avoid feeling like a buzzkill.

For the partners with the lower libido, this sex can often be focused on their partner’s pleasure and can feel disconnected from their own emotions, pleasure, satisfaction or connection to their own sexuality. Having too much of this kind of sex can then impact their experience of sex generally, making it feel like a chore that is always centred on their partner, discouraging them from experiencing any desire for partnered sex.

One common and damaging side effect of this pattern is that the lower libido partner can then start avoiding not just sex, but all forms of physical affection, in case it escalates into a sexual advance.

To disrupt this pattern, it’s important for your boyfriend to step out of the role of being the one who always initiates sex, while continuing to prioritise emotional closeness and other forms of affection. For you, it’s important to remain connected with your own desire, learning what does make you desire sex – both the lusty, turn-on reasons, and the approach goals that make you feel good and satisfied, so that the sex you have is fulfilling and connected. In long-term relationships, it can be easy to take sex for granted, and to stop putting in the effort and doing those lovely gestures that make each other feel connected and want to have sex.

Those gestures can look different for every couple, so pay attention to what works for you. Do you want to go on fun dates? Does having some errands taken off your plate make you feel appreciated, and let you relax enough to want sex? Do you like romantic gestures? Is it having time to really talk and connect? Notice what puts you in the mood and prioritise these experiences.

It may also be worth letting you initiate sex for a little while – say, a month or two – then having an honest conversation with your partner about the amount of sex you had within that time, how you both felt about the amount of sex you had and whether the sex you had felt connected and satisfying. You may find that you have less sex at the beginning as you readjust to these new roles, and then through exploring what feels good, you start having more sex again. Or you may discover that scheduling regular sex helps, as you can decide a frequency that works for both of you.

These issues can be worked through, with honesty and compassion, and can be hugely beneficial to your sexual and emotional connection. The best of luck.