I love my girlfriend’s weight gain but she doesn’t – how can I boost her confidence?

Dear Roe,

I have been with my girlfriend for about one year. I love her and we have a great relationship. I have been struggling with her weight gain. At first I thought I had a problem with it. However, I realised I always found plus-sized or curvy women attractive. The issue for me is not the weight but the lack of confidence. I find it very attractive when my partner is confident and feels sexy in their own skin. My girlfriend struggles with that and it has impacted my attraction towards her. I find myself no longer wanting to have sex. I have never spoke to her about her confidence and don’t know how to approach that conversation.

Compliment your girlfriend. Compliment your girlfriend. Compliment your girlfriend.

There’s a somewhat tragic irony to your situation, that your girlfriend has gained some weight she feels insecure about, that you like the weight gain and yet you’ve stopped having sex and wonder why she’s feeling insecure. In her mind, she has gained weight and you have stopped having sex with her. Of course that’s not going to boost her confidence! Compliment your girlfriend!

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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Before I continue, I must note that it is entirely possible her loss of confidence may not be related to her weight, or that there may be external factors that are impacting her body and mental health in ways you and I are not privy to. As ever, visiting a doctor and therapist is always a good idea. (However, I also note that society has a horrible habit of assuming that all weight gain is bad and needs to be “solved” by visiting a doctor or therapist. This simply isn’t true, and is not what I’m suggesting, but sudden changes in weight and mental health could be indicative of other issues and it’s important to check these out.)

But even if there are other things going on, compliment your girlfriend.

Now, of course, solving her esteem issues isn’t your sole responsibility, and if your girlfriend is genuinely struggling specifically because of her recent weight gain, I’d suggest that she visits a body positive therapist and starts connecting with some body positive and even body neutrality groups and activities and communities online, where she can find support, encouragement and see people of all body types being celebrated, respected and valued. Taking up a hobby where she can feel connected to and empowered by her body would also be a lovely thing to do.

But let’s not perpetuate this current, nonsensical idea that human beings should always be completely self-reliant and self-validating and shouldn’t ever be impacted by the opinions or words of other people. We are humans, not self-cleaning ovens. Most people care deeply about what their partner thinks about them and feel more confident, desirable and comfortable when their partner is actively expressing their appreciation, attraction and desire.

Add in the fact that most women have suffered a never-ending barrage of body-shaming from mass media and pop culture, which constantly communicates that their worth as a person is directly linked to their body, and yes, women’s confidence can be deeply impacted both by gaining weight and by their partner’s opinion (or perceived opinion) of their body.

This cultural messaging around bodies and weight is deeply damaging, wrong and inherently fatphobic, often explicitly communicating that a person’s value goes down as their weight goes up – and this messaging has real life implications. Eating disorders, body dysmorphia and esteem issues are painfully common, and the stigma, shame and prejudice faced by fat people is relentless and still somehow socially acceptable. Fat people are often punished socially, professionally and even within healthcare, where research has repeatedly proven that the medical issues of fat people are not taken as seriously, or treated as speedily or as effectively as other patients, as doctors ignore fat people’s concerns and symptoms and blame any and all health issues on their weight. We all need to collectively fight against fatphobia on a systemic, societal level to ensure that everyone is respected, valued and cared for.

That’s the wider issue – but these wider issues impact individuals. Your girlfriend’s confidence is impacted because everything about the culture and society she has grown up in has told her that she should feel bad about herself. And while you might not individually be able to dismantle all the fatphobia in the world, you can massively contribute to dismantling fatphobia both in your life and in hers. You can make a deliberate effort to help boost her self-esteem by communicating with her, supporting her and telling her that you find her incredibly attractive.

Start by talking to her about her confidence and happiness. Do not mention her weight – she is aware of her body. But mention to her that she has seemed less happy and confident and ask her if there is anything you can do to help. If she mentions her body, reassure her that you find her beautiful and attractive, and that seeing her happy and confident and empowered is the sexiest thing you can imagine. Ask how you can support her and ask her what makes her feel good about herself and confident. Listen to the answers and make a concerted effort to do the things she mentions and to be her personal cheerleader. You ask what to do about your girlfriend’s lack of confidence – be someone who is invested in boosting her confidence on the daily. She will hopefully start to build up her own confidence too, but sometimes we need to have someone we love tell us we are worthy and amazing to start believing it ourselves.

As you do that, look at the ways in which you may have internalised some fatphobia and seek to counteract that. Why did you initially think you had a problem with her weight gain? Why was it a surprise to you that you find curvy women attractive? I don’t ask you this to blame you or judge you, but simply to highlight the ways in which many of us enact fatphobic thinking without even noticing. What types of media and images of women do you (and your girlfriend) consume? Do you ever consume media that centres and celebrates people of different body types, together or individually? How do you and those in your social circle speak about weight and body types? And, importantly, are you celebrating people and body types even when you personally don’t find them attractive? People’s value should not be defined by how sexually attractive they are to you or anyone else, but should simply be based on the fact that they are human beings and therefore worthy of respect.

Being someone who sees, appreciates, respects and celebrates people with different body types will not only show your girlfriend that the person she loves does not judge her body negatively, but will also have a positive impact on all the people around you. Good luck to you and your girlfriend.