Approach with care: How to address an elephant in the room

An elephant in the room is generally considered to be a bad thing, especially in long-term relationships. The elephant is that issue that all parties are nervous about raising openly. It’s often invisible – but everyone knows it’s there.

I suspect that many, many elephants eventually die with their hosts. Or perhaps a point comes when only one person is left and the elephant has departed with the other. An exception would be those cases where the dynamics of the family pass on to the next generation, for instance if the next generation has learned to be ultra cautious about uncomfortable truths and avoids them in their own relationships.

Does this mean that issues must be tackled head on?

If both sides are willing to discuss the possible source of contention, then talking it out is a very good idea. But if one partner is defensive to the point of going into full retreat if it is brought up, it needs to be approached in a more roundabout way. Research on conflict resolution suggests that positive activities that are not connected directly to the issue can create an atmosphere in which it is easier to solve problems. You could think of this as quality time when it comes to two-person relationships.

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Going to a movie or a game might seem to be far removed from what you are trying to deal with. But it may prepare the ground for a more open attitude on everybody’s part. That is why organisations hold away days and events outside the office. It is not that they desperately want you to enjoy yourself. They want an atmosphere of collaboration and co-operation which will pay off when issues need to be resolved.

Dr William Glasser, who developed Reality Therapy, suggested quality time involves both partners spending time together doing things that they like to do. That might sound obvious, but in conflict people can forget to do it. During planned quality time, he suggested, it is advisable not to talk about the war, the issue that one or both partners want to resolve. The quality time is meant to soften the relationship, to prepare the ground.

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Raising the issue during that time could ruin the whole exercise. All of this assumes that both parties will show up and engage in good faith for the positive activities. If one, or maybe even both, sabotages the whole exercise – which, after all, might be no more than going out for a movie or a meal or a walk in the park -, then prospects for peace in the relationship are not good.

When it comes to discussing the elephant in the room it is not a good idea to try to do it in the middle of a fight. So far as I am aware, asking someone to change in the middle of a blazing row has never worked in the whole history of blazing rows. It is like asking a drinker to stop drinking when he or she is drunk – it does not usually work.

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Another tactic: the research suggests that talking about the future in a positive way makes people more likely to co-operate. It is not that you are necessarily going to get to implement your positive plans, but positive conversations about the future have a sort of softening effect in themselves. This doesn’t mean you never rise contentious issues such as the elephant in the room. It means that you will probably get further if you prepare the ground. Sometimes things are so bad that one partner just won’t go along with anything suggested here. If that partner has, say, a cocaine addiction, and does not recognise it as a problem, then defending the addiction might be more important to them than healing the relationship.

Then the issue may have to be tackled directly, perhaps with the help of a third party. And of course some issues are so serious that the relationship is going to end whatever strategy either of the partners might try.

Sometimes the elephant in the room wrecks the house.

– Padraig O’Morain (Instagram, Twitter: @padraigomorain) is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His books include Kindfulness – a guide to self compassion; his daily mindfulness reminder is available free by email (pomorain@yahoo.com).