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I’m falling for a man, but he’s still living with his ex-wife

Ask Roe: He can’t tell me when he will be moving and I feel like I’m waiting for us to properly start our relationship

Dear Roe,

I’m a woman. Three months ago I met man on a dating app and we hit it off. He told me he was separated but it wasn’t until we had been out several times that he told me that he still lives with his wife. This is why we could never go his house. He says that because rent and housing is so expensive right now, they have to live together but that they don’t have sex and are firmly separated. He has told me that he is falling for me, he can see a future with me and that I’m everything his ex-wife wasn’t. We have really meaningful conversations and can be vulnerable around each other so I feel a deep connection. We’ve talked about travelling together next year and I’m really excited by the idea of getting to really be together. But I’m finding it hard to deal with him living with his ex-wife. He says she gets upset about him dating so he can’t call me easily and because I don’t live near his work, it’s hard for us to spend quality time together. The situation is so difficult in terms of the practicalities of living arrangements and money, and I don’t want to cause him any more stress, but he can’t tell me when he will be moving and I feel like I’m waiting for us to properly start our relationship. What is fair to ask of him around when he will be moving out?

Excuse me if my response to this question is slightly disjointed, there are several giant alarm bells ringing out from your letter and the noise is quite distracting.

Let us begin with the disclaimer, the generous reading, and an acknowledgment of how deeply messed up our society is right now. The housing crisis is an absolute living nightmare that is not just affecting people, but truly damaging them. We have people who are homeless and we have also normalised having an entire generation of adults in their 30s and early 40s who cannot afford housing – people who the Government insists on calling “young people” to try conceal the fact that grown working adults cannot afford homes, are living in house-shares like students, have no stability and no ability to save up money for deposits, or are living with their parents. It’s stressful, exhausting, infantilising and is having real effects on adults’ abilities to create a sense of themselves as autonomous, independent beings. It’s also affecting their ability to have and enjoy both friendships, and romantic and/or sexual relationships (and it’s also affecting the parents of such adults, who should also be free to enjoy their time, space and sex lives without their adult offspring still living in the box room). When you don’t have your own space, privacy and comfort, it’s much harder to build and enjoy relationships with those you care about.

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And there are indeed situations where people are stuck living with abusive partners or family members, are stuck living with exes long after they want to leave, or are enduring dysfunctional, unhealthy or simply uncomfortable dynamics with housemates that destroy their sense of safety and comfort in what is meant to be their home sanctuary. Housing isn’t just about shelter, it’s about safety, autonomy, independence, connection and growth.

So it is entirely possible that this man is telling you the truth, that he is separated from his wife but stuck living with her for now, and that he is genuine in his feelings for you and desire for a relationship. If this is the case, then there are a few things to consider, and all of them can and should be addressed in a conversation with him. Where are they both set financially and what is the plan in terms of moving out? Have they agreed who is moving out, or are they both moving? Are either or both of them looking for a new place to live, or when do they plan to do so? And for this man, what is his plan for incorporating you into his life – for example, if for financial and other reasons he will be living with his ex-wife for the foreseeable future, what are the boundaries and agreements and conversations that they are going to have to acknowledge and accommodate his – and her – desire and need to date other people? You don’t say how long they have been separated, but if they’re still at a point where she can’t cope with him getting phone calls, this isn’t a sustainable situation for a relationship and he needs to have a concrete plan for moving, and in the interim, setting some expectations and boundaries with his ex.

Remove the promises this man is making to you from the equation. Is what you currently have enough for you, really?

This is all if he is separated. I do have to flag the possibility that he is not. Not being able to bring you to his house, not being able to take your calls, and only seeing you for brief intervals do all point to a suspicious pattern. Maybe you have external confirmation that he is separated, but if you do not, I would urge you to think about your interactions with him and whether they paint a portrait of a man who is separated and ready to welcome someone else into this life, or if they are the actions of a man who is hiding you. Have you met his friends or family, for example? Can you spend entire weekends together? Are you allowed to socialise and be affectionate in public? Were you able to spend quality time together over Christmas and New Year’s because he wasn’t rushing to work, or did he still avoid spending the night or being away from home too long?

The reason I want to flag this possibility isn’t just because of his living situation. It’s also because there seems to be a lack of transparency and an unfortunately familiar refrain to the dynamic you share with him. He withheld pertinent information about his living arrangements when you met. He’s explicitly comparing you to his ex-wife and making you feel special by putting another woman down. And much of your investment in this relationship is based in a hypothetical future with this man. You’re excited about when you can spend quality time together, contact him spontaneously, travel together. But these are all promises for the future, and unfortunately the reality is that sometimes people focus on an idealised future image of a relationship because they know what they’re offering you right now in the present moment isn’t all that great.

Remove the promises this man is making to you from the equation. Is what you currently have enough for you, really? If nothing about his situation were to change – because now, he has offered you absolutely no plan or intention to bring this change about – how long would this dynamic be good enough for you?

This man might be lying to you. This man also might be a good man stuck in an unfortunate situation. But you are allowed to decide that this situation isn’t what you want to invest in. You are allowed tell him that you like him a lot but that this dynamic isn’t good for you, and to give you a call when his situation changes. Then you will be free to pursue other relationships that may offer you more of what you need right now.

But either way, we need more affordable housing.