‘Four years on from a tough break-up, I still think about my ex every day’

Dear Roe,

Four years on from a tough break-up, I still think about my ex every day. Given the circumstances of the post break-up back and forth, where I had difficulty letting go, I am hugely reluctant to get back in touch to see if she might reconsider. Breaking up was very much her decision (even if it took a while to get there), and I have felt that it is important to respect that. I recently moved countries and made some new friends, all of whom think I should contact her, just to see.

I know she is still single, however, I feel that if she wanted to hear from me she would have made contact. My new friends all feel it is my responsibility to make the first move. In their opinion, it’s no big deal, just email to arrange a meeting and see what she thinks. This has made what was just an occasional distraction become quite prominent in my thoughts. I frankly disagree with them, I don’t think it is right for me to get in touch. She finished things four years ago, why should she have to repeatedly assert her position? But hope springs eternal and all that. What do you think?

You are experiencing so many differing internal feelings and hearing so many external opinions on your situation, but one thought keeps coming to you and it is the idea that repeats throughout your letter: that your ex has made her decision and that you need to respect that and not contact her. There is a reason this thought keeps coming to your mind, even when part of you so desperately wants to reach out, even when you are surrounded by people encouraging you to reach out: because this is the right answer.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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Your ex ended your relationship – and, according to you, she did not come to this decision quickly or lightly but took her time coming to a decision that was right for her. You, in your own words “had difficulty letting go”, and while that may have stemmed from very understandable feelings, it does seem possible that you could have made the break-up more difficult for her or delayed her desire to get space and new boundaries. Depending on what that “difficulty letting go” looked like, it could have been understandable emotion, or some behaviour that could have felt controlling or manipulative. Only you and she can really know, and even then, your opinions of the situation may differ. But the overall arc of the relationship is, right now, irrefutable: she ended the relationship and has expressed no interest in restarting it. Her being single does not change that fact. The opinions of people who have never met this woman do not change that fact. Your remaining interest does not change that fact. I’m sorry that this has been such a difficult break-up for you, but your gut is correct: you need to leave this one alone.

[ ‘I’m tired of faking orgasms and having rows about our sex life’ ]

But you need to start letting her go emotionally, as well as intellectually. You are not contacting her, but it’s obvious from your letter that you are still invested in her to a degree that is holding you back. You’re keeping tabs on her romantic status but more notably, even after moving countries and making an entirely new social circle, you are still talking about her with an intensity and to an extent that your new friends are encouraging you to reach out to her. You have created a narrative that’s some variation of “the one who got away” and have crafted the story in such a way that your new friends are encouraging you to get in touch with her. I need to stress, this isn’t a normal response to hearing that a person was broken up with four years ago. Either you are telling a version of this story that is wildly romanticising reality, or your new friends have immature and potentially toxic ideas around boundaries – or both. I think it will be really important for you to reflect on not just why you are still talking about her with new friends, but how you are talking about her.

What are you leaving out of the story you are telling your new friends? What details, behaviours or motivations are you overlooking while focusing on your desire to rekindle the relationship? The details that you are not telling them may be the details that you are not accepting and not learning from. Focusing on these may be important for you to accept the reality of this situation, not your rose-tinted version. The end of relationship can leave us with a lot of feelings: pleasure from the good memories, pain from the bad, disappointment or guilt or relief that it’s over. But to really learn and grow and become self-aware, you need to hold on to all of these feelings, not just the ones that bring your comfort.

Reflecting on this will be important for you to become aware of how you are keeping yourself tied to this person, what narrative you are repeating to yourself, and how these narratives are holding you back.

[ Twenty ways to make your relationship more lasting, loving and lustful ]

If I told you, unequivocally, that this relationship is over, that you shouldn’t contact your ex again and that there was no chance of reconciling, how would you start to live your life differently? Would you begin investing in other romantic possibilities? Would you start defining yourself differently – not as a person who had their heart broken and was pining for their ex, but someone who learned from a relationship and is ready to keep growing? Where would you redirect the energy and hope that you have directed towards the narrative of reconciliation? What new story or possibility or passion could your new friends be encouraging you towards?

There’s a contradiction here that you have moved to a new place, have a new social group, have the chance for a new start – but you are keeping yourself tied to your past in a very distinct way. You need to dig into this choice – has all the sudden change been overwhelming, are you fearful of the extra uncertainty that could come with dating, does your ex represent something that you wish you could return to or undo? What would it mean to try address these issues yourself and move forward, instead of continuing to centre her and keep getting pulled back? As always, a therapist would be helpful in exploring these questions with you.

We don’t get to choose whether the people we love stay with us or want us back. But we do get to choose to respect other people’s boundaries; we do get to choose to what lessons we want to learn; and we do get to choose to move forward with self-awareness and a desire to keep growing and connecting with other people.

Your ex has made her choice. It’s time to make yours. Choose an exciting future that respects her, and lets you grow.