Question
My son is in the middle of the Leaving Certificate and he has found it stressful so far. He was disappointed at how he did in the maths paper and that knocked him off course. Maths was never his strongest subject and it has caused him so much upset over the years.
He does know the stuff, but he can panic on the day of exams. We have, of course, tried to be reassuring and get him to focus on the next exam, but he is quite a worrier and catastrophiser. He is worried he won’t get the points he needs for college next year.
He has two exams left. I know it is late in the day but is there anything we can do to help him to get through these?
Answer
It is no secret that the Leaving Cert can be an enormously stressful for many students – for many people the Leaving Cert can be the most stressful set of exams they ever face (even for those who go on to do advanced degrees).
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The pressure to perform and display your knowledge of a two-year curriculum in a single two-hour exam is immense, especially when you are 18 years old and it feels as if your life options are resting on this exam.
Many other education systems outside Ireland incorporate more continuous assessment or examination so the final exams are not such high stakes. Further, in the Leaving Cert students are obliged to do subjects such as maths and Irish, when they may have specific challenges learning these subjects – in other education systems students can specialise earlier and choose subjects that better match their passions and strengths.
In addition, many students such as your son might be particularly sensitive to anxiety or exam panic and be prone to worrying and ruminating about results – this can all contribute to extra stress. Many students can also experience burnout in the run-up to and during the exams. They might get into a pattern of “overstudy” and anxiety, which makes their study less effective and increases their anxiety. Helping these students manage their anxiety and focus on relaxation and rest is as important as study and learning.
By being reassuring and supportive, it sounds like you and doing a lot already to help your son. You are right to focus on getting him through the last exams and then to focus on a summer break.
Below are some more ideas.
Leaving Cert stress? A psychologist, a guidance councillor and a parent share their advice
Listen to your son
When your child expresses a worry, the temptation might be to immediately jump to reassurance saying something like “Don’t worry; you will do fine”. Or if your son catastrophises after an exam - “I did terribly ... I will never get into college” - the temptation is to immediately challenge this thinking. However, sometimes it is best to give them a little bit of time and space to express their feelings and worries. Many children need to do a “postmortem” after an exam to help them move on – talking through some of the worries in their head to a compassionate listener is better than dealing with them alone.
Striking a balance between listening and reassurance is a delicate one to get right as a parent. It is a case of judging what your individual child needs in the moment.
Practical support and care
Parents can provide practical support and care. Making sure your son has all he needs before exams, being around to check in before and after, providing good snacks and making his favourite meals all really help and show support and solidarity. Being available to him or nearby can help when he studies – some children like to talk through their study plans with their parents or recap on what they have learned.
As a parent you can also support your son on study breaks and recovery times. Some teens like to have parents there to chat to on study breaks or to take 30 minutes to watch a favourite TV show together.
You could also facilitate him by driving him to an activity for a break or to meet a friend. Find out what he needs.
Hold a long-term perspective
Perhaps the most important thing you can do as a parent is to hold a long-term perspective for your son. While the Leaving Cert might feel like the be-all and end-all to your son at the moment, you know that this is not the case and that there are far more important things in life. Even if your son does not do well in the Leaving Cert this time, you know there are many other post-Leaving Cert options to allow him to pursue the work and life he wants.
Of course, now may not the time to communicate this directly to him. However, by holding this positive perspective, you communicate a sense of security to him. When he is anxious and worried about the future, he will perceive your sense of calm and belief in him that you will be able to figure the future out together, whatever happens.
John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is author of several parenting books including Positive Parenting and Parenting Teenagers. solutiontalk.ie, parentsplus.ie
