Question
My seven-year-old son can have these intense meltdowns at home, which can result in him shouting and hitting out at myself and my husband.
They can be triggered by anything, but usually when we ask him to do something reasonable such as tidy up after himself, or even wash his hands after he has been messy. Things can escalate and he can become dysregulated so quickly that it is frightening.
Myself and my husband do our best to remain calm, asking him to calm down, repeatedly saying that hitting/kicking, etc, is not allowed – it just does not seem to work. We end up backing down which does not feel right as we have other children and it seems unfair to have different rules for him. I find myself walking on eggshells around him, worrying what is going to set him off.
He seems to be doing okay at school. He can be worried when going, and the teacher notices that sometimes he gets anxious and stressed, especially during unstructured times or projects, though thankfully no meltdowns at school. He got diagnosed with autism and dyslexia six months ago and we are on a steep learning curve to help him.
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Answer
Experiencing a child hitting during a meltdown is scary and stressful to deal with as a parent – it is good you are reaching out for support.
Usually, meltdowns are not the result of a single trigger and instead represent an accumulation of stress and anxiety which then spills over in a outburst. Often, the trigger event is simply the “straw that breaks the camel’s back”. Autistic children usually experience high levels of stress caused by challenges such as sensory overload, feeling overwhelmed by demands, struggling with the expectations of school or social situations etc.
Some autistic children have a PDA profile (pathological demand avoidance) which means they find demands and requests particularly stressful. Being in control and making their own decisions helps them feel safe and secure, especially when stressed. After a long day of managing the demands of school, they find it hard to cope with more demands at home – sometimes a reasonable request to tidy up can push them over the edge.
It is a good thing that your son is holding it together in school, though it means that you might experience the brunt of his stress and dysregulation at home. It might help to view his dysregulation as a communication to you – he is looking for your help to cope. He feels safe to reveal his feelings at home and he needs your support to help him manage. Below are some ideas which might help.
Build a map of your son’s needs
Take time to try to understand the stresses your son experiences and the underlying needs this reveals. For example, although it makes sense to wash hands, if your son has a sensory sensitivity around washing and water, this could be particularly difficult and stressful for him.
Work with his teacher to understand how the school day is going for him. The fact that he displays anxiety during unstructured activities is an indicator of some of the stresses he might experience. If you have not done so already, you can share his assessment report and explore what support he might need – eg extra support during unstructured activities, some one-to-one time with a resource teacher, etc.
Create a relaxing home environment
Make sure to create a relaxing home environment where your son can decompress and unwind. This might mean reducing demands especially at potential trigger times such as after school. Discover what helps your son regulate and relax. Children are very individual and what works for one may not work for another.
[ ‘I wonder if I made a mistake giving up work. My son can be really demanding’Opens in new window ]
Some autistic children might like to stim to relax, such as rocking or pacing or singing to themselves. Some might like physical activity such as walking or trampolining and others might prefer sitting quietly on a bean bag listening to headphones or playing with a fidget toy. Some love to engage in passions to relax and regulate, whether it is rewatching a favourite TV show or looking up YouTube videos on their favourite subject or baking or engaging in a craft.
Remember different things can work for the same child at different times of the day, so make sure there are plenty of regulation options available.
If you see your son getting agitated and heading towards a meltdown, try to divert him towards one of his regulating activities.
Have a plan for dealing with meltdowns
Think through how you will respond step by step during the heat of meltdown. The goal is one of de-escalation so you can help your son return to a regulated state. This might mean dropping the trigger demand – “You are too tired to tidy up now, we can do this later.” You have to be careful in how you are communicating, making sure empathy comes across in your voice.
Once again, different things work for different children. If repeating statements like “no hitting” is not working, maybe refocus your language positively on regulation: ‘Shhh, it’s okay, let’s take a break now.” Or maybe take a break from talking altogether and give your child some space to calm.
In most situations there are no simple techniques to stop a meltdown. Instead, it is a case of finding a safe way through that helps you and your child feel contained. In the long term it is about addressing the underlying stresses and problems that are causing the meltdown so you can work at preventing the next one.
Co-problem solve with your son
When things are calmer, it can help to talk through the problems with your son so you can explore solutions. It is important not to be critical or accusatory and instead be curious and empathetic – “You got very upset there earlier … what was going on for you?” Many children find it hard to articulate what is going on for them so often you have to take time to understand this with them.
Take time also to explore solutions that might help them cope when they are close to a meltdown. One parent I worked with did up a pictorial “When I feel frustrated wheel” with her son, which listed five or six things he could do such as “Going to my room”, “Using my words to tell Mum, I am upset”, “Going on the trampoline”, etc. Help your son come up with ideas for himself.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a workshop on Managing Anxiety and Stress in Children on May 6th. See solutiontalk.ie
