Question
My son and his wife have a six-year-old who can be quite a handful. Being honest, I always felt they over-indulged him and let him rule the roost. I never said anything because I did not want to come across as judgey and they can, of course, parent the boy how they want.
In our day there was an expectation to be much stricter, I think. I look after him two days a week when I collect him from school, and my son collects him at about 6pm after work. I love my time with my grandson and he can be full of energy and demanding, but I can manage, and I am tired when I give him back.
Last week, my son said the boy was on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment, which made me a bit worried. I think they are making too much of a big deal out of his problems, and I think too many children are being diagnosed these days.
Once again, I wonder if it is my place to say anything. I have a polite relationship with my daughter-in-law and I don’t want to upset anyone.
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Answer
As a grandparent, it can be a delicate matter to get your relationships with your son and daughter-in-law right when it comes to supporting them as parents. Your daughter-in-law comes from a different family and will have her own ideas about parenting, and your son is likely to have his own ideas, also informed by his own upbringing.
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It is important for them to work out together their best way to co-parent your grandchild. You are right to give them space to make their own decisions and to strive not to be judgmental, which might only damage your relationship with them. I like the way you focus on enjoying your time with your grandson and on creating your own relationship with him – I am sure your son and daughter-in-law appreciate this practical support and are likely pleased for their son to have access to you as a grandparent. Children really benefit from multigenerational contact with extended family, and particularly grandparents – it really does take a village to raise a child.
Your reflection on how parenting has changed across generations is interesting. You are right that, in the past, there may have been pressure for parents to be stricter and for children to behave themselves in public. Sometimes this stricter approach helped some children, and sometimes it didn’t help others.
Indeed, the needs of neurodivergent and ADHD children were often overlooked in the past. Often these children were perceived as having “behavioural problems” and were dealt with more harshly in school and at home – this led to poorer self-esteem and increased mental health problems.
You can also take steps to educate yourself about ADHD and your grandson’s needs. There are many books on the subject and some great online resources
While of course children do need boundaries and rules, they also need a sensitive style of parenting that takes into account their different needs. For example, a child diagnosed with ADHD might need much higher levels of activity in the day to stay regulated or require a lot of affirmation and support to manage their highly sensitive emotions. Or they might require project-based, experiential learning to keep them engaged in school and homework.
In recent years, there has been a large increase in ADHD assessments and diagnoses. From my perspective, this reflects an increased recognition of the needs of ADHD and other neurodivergent children in society – which is a good thing. These children have always been there, but now there is increased sensitivity to their different needs and a desire to respond better to them in school and at home.
You are right to think carefully about how best to discuss issues around ADHD with your son and daughter-in-law, as you don’t want to come across as dismissive or judgmental.
I would suggest you adopt an open, caring and curious stance. When your son tells you about the ADHD assessment, instead of giving an opinion, listen carefully, and ask him for more details. You might say something like “I am not familiar with ADHD, tell me what that means?”, or “What needs does it mean that [grandson’s name] has?” or “How are you feeling about the assessment process?” The most important thing to do is to offer support. “Let me know how I can help,” or “Is there anything I need to do to help [grandson’s name]?”
Many parents find the process of assessment challenging, and they would most likely appreciate your emotional and practical support. You can also take steps to educate yourself about ADHD and your grandson’s needs. There are many books on the subject and some great online resources, such as additudemag.com. Also see ADHD Ireland information and support groups for parents and carers at adhdireland.ie.
It is also worth mentioning that ADHD and neurodivergence runs in the family, which means it is quite likely there are other family members who might have similar challenges and needs to your son.
It can be helpful to reflect on this as a family, so you can all better understand each other and be able to better judge how to help your grandson.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a workshop on Motivating children diagnosed with ADHD on Wednesday, April 8th. See solutiontalk.ie
