Greetings from my walking pad, where I’m bringing you my latest column while striving for buns of steel. You may be wondering what a walking pad is. Well, basically it’s a smaller treadmill that takes over my sitting room, but allows me to walk and watch Dr House at the same time.
It has the happy consequence of making me feel smug as the distance clocks up and the calories burnt mount. “That’s another Mint Crisp earned,” my brain reliably informs me, in between absorbing medical diagnostic techniques from the telly.
Anyone who’s anyone has a walking pad. I know this because someone said so on Instagram. I imagine it’s a bit like owning a Dryrobe in the olden days, when people used to think sea swimming was cool. Owning a walking pad is now what keeps your street cred high.
It’s no match for a walk with friends. We all know the value there. That’s not just about looking at your phone at the end of the day and finding out you’ve walked more than 10,000 steps, which you can share with people who definitely haven’t walked that far. To feel superior, like.
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A walk with your friends is about having to do the first part, so that you can verbally vomit all the things bugging you over the course of the kilometres. Ultimately, between you and your friends, you will set the world to rights – perhaps even multiple times a week. It’s like free therapy that also protects your heart. If you include even a mild incline somewhere on the walk, it could help with those glutes.
But we live in Ireland, with its godforsaken climate that doesn’t care if you’ve just washed your hair, or that you don’t own a full set of waterproofs. This is where the walking pad comes in. Sure, it doesn’t offer the same therapy as the people-centred version. On the flip side, I’ve watched enough Dr House at this stage to feel comfortable about what to do if my ticker started acting up. So, you know, there’s heart protection in a different form.
Will owning a walking pad change me, I wonder?. Will I become the sort of person who mentions owning a walking pad in passing conversation?
Just so people know, it’s a fine line for us walking-pad walkers to walk – the line between being a trend leader and a dose.
And it’s a line we need to be mindful of in other areas too. Areas such as parenthood, where the line between alpha parent and dose is crossed far too easily.
Thankfully, there are ways to stay on the right side of it.
[ Mams are the best thing since toilet roll in a pandemic when it’s Mother’s DayOpens in new window ]
- Don’t get involved in competitive parenting. This is the primary rule in the “how not to be a dose of a parent” handbook. The temptation can be real, especially when you’re the proud parent of near-perfect children, but most people don’t want to get involved in competing over baby and toddler milestones, Viking helmet projects, State exam results… the list goes on. For the record, any parent who claims their six-month-old (heck, I’d go so far as to say one-year-old) sleeps through the night is likely a pathological liar. Or, at the very least, a dose.
- Don’t give unsolicited advice. Bite your tongue. This especially applies if you’re considering giving advice to the parents of a teenager when you yourself have not
endured, survived, barely made it through with your sanity in tactraised a teenager. You know nothing of what lies ahead. Any illusions to the contrary suggest you may be a dose. - Familiarise yourself with playdate etiquette. The mother (and it’s always a mother) who hosts the playdate doesn’t want your praise or admiration for how wonderful she is for hosting the playdates. She doesn’t need to hear how lucky she is or how envious you are that she is a stay-at-home parent/works part-time/has more time than you. She needs you to return the playdate. It doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat, but make an effort. By thinking she’s fabulous and just loves spending time with your children, as well as her own, means you might be a dose.
- Do not hog the teachers at parent-teacher meetings. This is especially true in the case of secondary school parent-teacher meetings. We are all hoping to get out of there in under three hours. Anyone who obstructs that goal may be perceived as a dose.
- If wise folk point out that homework, especially in primary school, is a complete and utter waste of time, do not follow with “oh, I quite like doing homework with my child”. That screams dose.
