Fostering: ‘I realised we had the space in our home and in our hearts, as well as in our lives’

Who would be a foster carer, you might wonder, considering the undisputed challenges. Certainly, nobody in their right mind would go into it for the money, says Carol, who has four foster children from three different families on long-term care.

Even if somebody decided it was a lucrative business taking in four children (each child under-12 gets a €325 weekly allowance, over-12 it’s €352), “I guarantee after a week they would hand them back”, she says. “All our children have complex needs – three are diagnosed with special needs, one is in the process of diagnosis.” The eldest has been with Carol and her husband 15 years; the middle two 13 years and they have had the youngest seven and a half years.

“We’re up at least three, four or five times a week with night terrors from a couple of them. We have gone through all sorts of waiting for services. It’s not easy but the rewards absolutely outweigh [the challenges]. Ask any foster carer why they do it, they do it for the love of the child.”

Children in care carry what she calls an “invisible suitcase”, containing everything they are dealing with, from their parents’ difficulties to all the traumas they have experienced themselves, including, perhaps, a succession of other foster placements. Normal stuff, such as school and friendships, go into that “suitcase” too.

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I am a Mum by choice: I chose to take care of them and they have chosen to call me Mum because I look after them

“You are packing and unpacking it all the time, trying to get them to understand it. Trying to get them to feel a little bit of normalisation.” But a random word, place or piece of music can trigger them at any time.

“Some of it is so stuck in their subconscious mind, they don’t know what’s troubling them and we get the lash out,” she explains, being their safe haven. “We get the abuse, the shouting, the meltdowns, the anger, and you just have to stay calm during it.”

[ Insufficient number of potential carers a ‘wake-up call’ for the future of fostering ]

But recalling how the severely traumatised boy who came to them in nappies at five years of age, with no words and just three sounds, has grown into an “amazing man”, full of love, semi-verbal and completely independent – “that’s the reward you’re getting back from it”, she says. “To be able to see somebody and have them in your home and think ‘they’re not lost, they are going to be okay’.”

Carol ran her first creche at the age of 19 and then used to take in children from Chernobyl for summer respite, while she and her husband were trying to start their own family. They lost six babies before they started to look at other ways of parenting. After attending a Tusla fostering information meeting, they knew this is what they wanted to do.

Looking back, they were, she admits, a bit naive about what it would entail. Carol had cut back her business, retaining just one preschool, but it got to the point where they agreed her husband should give up his job to be at home full-time with the children.

It’s a fantastically rewarding experience, highly stressful and not acknowledged enough

“We had no choice, it was tearing us from limb to limb trying to get everything done,” she says. “As you can imagine with children with complex needs, we do have a lot of appointments.” Then there are the after-school activities such as soccer, GAA and gymnastics like any “normal” family. On top of that is extra administration, as they can’t sign for anything, from medical cards and passports, to little things, such as swimming and school tour permission slips, a social worker has to do it.

One Saturday, Carol spent five-and-a-half hours in A&E trying to locate a social worker who could come and sign a consent form for a boy who needed surgery to fix two pins into his broken arm. In the end, she rang his birth mother, who came in. Luckily, she says, they have very good relationships with the birth families of all their current children.

What would she say to people considering fostering? “Go for it. You have got love to give.” Even if it’s only a six-month placement, “it’s six months better for that child”, she points out. “Find your supports and your people, because you have to mind yourself.” It is invaluable to be able to vent frustrations with other foster carers, as only they can understand it doesn’t mean you regret doing it, Carol explains.

“I am a Mum by choice: I chose to take care of them and they have chosen to call me Mum because I look after them. It’s a fantastically rewarding experience, highly stressful and not acknowledged enough.” As foster carers, she adds, “you cannot replace [the children’s] family, but you can mirror it as best you can”.

[ Tusla issues urgent appeal for people to foster children ]

Leanne and her husband are relatively new to fostering, having taken in a baby boy just last March, to join their own three children. She had always wanted a big family, but “after the third I realised I was physically done but I wasn’t complete”. They talked about adoption but then she began to learn more about fostering.

“I realised we had the space in our home and in our hearts, as well as in our lives.”

The thorough assessment process was drawn out over Covid lockdowns, with their approval coming about one year after the initial application. However, soon after that the social worker was at the door with the baby in her arms and it was love at first sight. He is an “extremely intelligent child”, says Leanne, and slotted in perfectly.

I have extreme fondness and love for his birth family and that is reciprocated. We are extremely fortunate, there is respect and understanding

“It is challenging at times, as you can imagine, trying to balance one of me and four of them.” But, she says, they are doubly blessed that the rapidly growing toddler has good contact with his birth mother, as well as his prior foster mum. Leanne also has a great bond with the boy’s social worker.

She has no doubt that his arrival has been an asset for their own three children. They see the world is different now, she says. Their home has been opened up to the reality that not everyone has milk in the fridge, or toothpaste, or fresh underwear or socks, “and the gravity of that is huge”. Leanne has explained in an age-appropriate way that he can’t live with his “tummy mummy”, so she’s his mum for the time being.

Sometimes acquaintances tell her they’d also love to do fostering, only they would never be able to give a child back. “The difference between someone like me and people who don’t is we just feel if we didn’t do it, where would they be living?” Leanne says.

“We say if it is just six months, we know what we can give – the love, the attention, the care”, while the birth family has time to try to sort out their circumstances. “I have extreme fondness and love for his birth family and that is reciprocated. We are extremely fortunate, there is respect and understanding.” People tend to think about the “dark side” of fostering and social work, she suggests, “it hasn’t been like that for us”.

She consults the birth family over things like how they might want his hair cut. “I put myself in their situation: the total loss of control over the most precious thing in the world. Trusting someone you don’t know to raise and educate that baby or child. I want to reassure them, that’s what I will do but not forgetting you in the process.”

Leanne and her husband don’t think too far ahead. “It’s the here and now, that’s all we can do.” However, she can say with certainty that both families will always be a part of this boy’s life. But just how that will transpire, she doesn’t know yet.