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‘My son rarely speaks and never cries at creche’

Ask the Expert: Chatty at home, he seems not to be able to show his feelings when he is in childcare

Question

My son, born in December, 2019, is a strong happy chap. He has a brother (8) and sister (5) and was at home with me from birth, through Covid, until I returned to work in April. He is in creche full-time, where his brother and sister attend after-school. He goes in happily and runs out at home-time smiling, and although I have always known he is very quiet when he is there, it recently transpired that he rarely speaks, and more concerningly, never cries.

For example, recently, he had a bad enough bang and cut to his knee when he fell, and while staff broadly saw him fall, they did not realise he was hurt. Another child bit him badly once and he was so upset he spiked a temperature, but didn’t cry. He cried when he saw me on collecting him, and told me what happened each time, but did not communicate it with his teachers.

He is chatty and loud at home, cries and roars plenty, and is fine in small groups such as family and people he sees often. Should I be concerned at this level of internalisation of his feelings all day in childcare? I’m afraid it could continue to school, or develop into long-term selective mutism. I’m struggling for the appropriate response, ranging from professional help to “he’ll grow out of it”.

What can I do to help him? And could you suggest other supports I could seek?

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Answer

It is a worry that your son is holding back on expressing himself in the creche, meaning that he could not cry when he was bitten, nor tell his carers when he fell and hurt himself. You are right to take time to think how to help him.

Lots of two-year-olds find the busy nature of creche stressful, especially if it is full-time and many manage by withdrawing and being quieter. Developmentally, two-year-olds are only beginning to learn social skills and how to get on with other children. While it can be good for them to attend preschool as they approach their third year, this only needs to be two to three hours a day for them to get the social benefits. While I appreciate you may have limited choices, it is worth reflecting about what might be the best type of childcare for your son given his needs. He might benefit more by being looked after by a childminder with a smaller group of children (that mirrors the situation he is happiest in at home) who can take him to preschool for morning or afternoon sessions. The key is to find a carer he can develop a trusting relationship with so he can say when he is upset and talk more freely with.

You could also work to improve his current childcare. You may have options to reduce the amount of time he spends there and you may be able to work with his carers and teachers to help him be happier and more open. Arrange to meet the manager and try to come up with a plan that might help such as:

  • Identifying a key carer for him, who is consistently there and takes a special interest in him and arranges daily play times to build up trust;
  • Encouraging childcare staff not to make a big fuss when he does communicate — this will make him withdraw more — but instead simply repeat back what he says and follow up with a question;
  • Continuing to include him when he does not speak and making sure they do not inadvertently ignore him;
  • Taking extra care to notice when he is upset, even if he is silent, and to name his feelings, and
  • Arranging activities he loves, when he talks most and pairing him with kids he feels most comfortable with.

In addition, the creche may also be able to get their own professional advice on supporting quieter and potentially selectively mute children. You could also seek out a speech and language assessment for your son. As well as giving you a sense of his overall language development, a good therapist will be able to give advice about how to help him communicate more while he is in his creche. They may even be able to do up an individual programme for childcare staff that could help your son. It is great that he was able to cry and tell you about the unhappy things that happened in creche. It is also great that he is talkative and happy at home with family and close friends. This provides him with a secure base to build upon and helps you understand what he needs in his childcare. You can gradually expand his social circle and social confidence through introducing new visitors and playdates.

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