Animals appear on our most popular calendars. Footballers are on others. And then there's Kylie's rear end, writes Rosita Boland.
A lot of us spent the year looking at Kylie Minogue's rear end from a dozen angles. In two dimensions, of course: Kylie's was one of the top- selling calendars this side of the Atlantic in 2003. She was closely followed by the man with a million hairstyles, Señor David Beckham. Manchester United and Simpsons calendars sold well too, according to Eason newsagents.
You could also be forgiven for thinking that we have an unhealthy fascination with animals. It's animals that dominate calendar themes, and the more benign, fluffy and helpless-looking they are, the more popular the calendars they appear on seem to be.
You may not have known there was such an animal as the lop-eared rabbit, a creature composed almost entirely of ears, but it exists - and it gets its own calendar. There are also lots of horses and, er, ferrets. But by far the most popular animals are cats and dogs. Eason, which stocks more than 200 kinds of calendar in its O'Connell Street shop in central Dublin, confirms that both cats and dogs are huge sellers.
At www.amazon.com, the US-based website, the best-selling calendar for 2004 is Gary Larson's Far Side Out To Lunch, followed by Dilbert, that terminally dull office cartoon strip, then Mom's Family 2004 Calendar: Who Does What And Goes Where When, presumably for domestic boot-campers. In fourth place is 365 Cats Page-A-Day.
On the Barnes & Noble website, Amazon's top-three calendars are the top three here, too. In fourth place this time, however, proving that Americans have a sense of humour, is 2004 Presidential (Mis) Speak: The Very Curious Language of George W. Bush - "over 300 new malapropisms and other oratorical manglings from the 43rd President of the United States". Need to be reminded of one of George Dubya's gems? "Russia's most precious resource is the brain power of this country. And you've got a lot of it. It's going to take a lot of brains in Russia to create a drain."
Back in Ireland, John Hinde calendars are still selling by the shedload. Eason reports that many of them are bought as gifts, to be sent overseas. It has some dozen calendars in the range; by far the most popular is Beautiful Ireland, with classic kitschy images of rivers, mountains and castles in a country where the sun always shines and na'ry a commuter-town roof spoils the landscape.
When you get past the celebrities and animals, there are a few other themes that get a lot of coverage. Whimsy is very big in calendar world, usually arriving via poetry that would rival William McGonagall's in its badness - "all hail McGonagall, in verse there were few worse," as one wag put it.
There is a calendar called A Hug For Every Day Of The Year (or should that be A Heave For Every Day Of The Year?). One of its verses goes:
"Sometimes it's nice
to get an unexpected hug
for no other reason than just
because you're loved and cared for.
So while you're reading these words
don't think of them as just words,
think of each one as
a hug for your heart
from mine."
Perhaps the most most famous calendar is that published by Pirelli, which features shots of beautiful women, usually with few clothes on. Pirelli sells tyres, by the way, which may explain its interest in pneumatic bodies.
Perhaps the surprise about Pirelli calendars is that, despite the subject matter, they are actually pretty classy. World-famous photographers shoot the pictures: Terence Donovan did the 1987 calendar; Herb Ritts did two, in 1994 and 1998; Annie Leibovitz did 2000; and Mario Testino did 2001. Nick Knight has shot the 2004 calendar, which is set in London. Each year has a different location; past calendars have been shot in Jamaica, New York, Hollywood, Italy and Morocco, among other places.
Ireland hasn't featured yet, although Britain has been used six times in the calendar's 40-year history. The really smart thing about the Pirelli calendar is that you can't buy it. As one website explains: "It is an exclusive corporate gift which is distributed only in limited quantities worldwide (40,000 copies) to selected customers, VIPs and relevant personalities." But if you really want to see it, you'll probably find one in the back room of your local garage.
