I am moving my American family to Cork city in August and seek assistance on several questions.
Q. On a recent reconnaissance trip, I was urged to buy a house, as I would surely realise untold riches in the bargain. But when I mentioned a ceiling of £100,000, auctioneers kept snuffling and snorting into their hankies. In fact, the prices I saw were at least twice those of comparable properties in the US, yet Irish salaries seem to be one quarter of those in, say, Boston. How do Irish people do this? Are there really still pots of gold over there?
Q. I have discovered that Irish dental surgeons make £37,000 but bricklayers twice that. Given current housing prices, I was wondering if there is a growing problem with homelessness - perhaps concentrated among doctors or barristers or professors?
Q. A politician here warned that a "giant sucking sound" would soon be heard as US wealth drained south of the Border. I never heard this rude noise and wonder if it was issued perhaps laterally. I've read about both the IDA and IRA and am beginning to confuse the aims of the two. Who exactly arranged for the world's wealth to downspout into the Republic while keeping "the touch" on the EU? I thought the EU's main Irish concern was to increase the quota of sheep? Or has that been changed to bricklayers?
Q. To make a long story short, I elected to rent rather than buy. But this has not alleviated my confusion. A close study of my lease reveals that our new rental house will have a "wash hand basin" and I am unfamiliar with these. Can more than one hand be used in this basin at a time? Shouldn't a "wash hands basin" be possible in the new economy?
Q. In examining my rental property, I was brought to what was called a "hot press" but the feeling inside was tepid. Should I be concerned about this, too?
Q. In the US, the parties involved in a "letting" commonly negotiate various aspects of their agreement. But I am told that the terms of Irish leases have been indelibly fixed for ages, beginning with a certain Brian Boru. Would anyone know the current whereabouts of this Mr Boru?
Q. Irish people use the same language as here but seem to deliberately leave a web of uncertain meanings in their wake. Property agents I met in my last visit kept enthusing about wonderful swimming pools for my kids, but were sketchy as to their actual addresses. Is there only one of these pools in Cork, or do they exist within all the better housing estates? (I'm told we're moving into a singularly fine "housing estate".)
Q. This brings up another question. "Housing" to my ear sounds like a minimum four walls with maybe a window or two punched somewhere into the job. Yet the word "estate" makes me envision velvet chords pulling tinkling bells to summon one to dinner. What manner of attire is appropriate when dining in an Irish housing estate?
Q. In past visits, I have whiled away many pleasant hours in Irish shebeens. But my politically correct wife says I cannot enter any more of these shebeens unless there is an equal number of hebeens around about. Are the Irish now this PC, too? If so, can I get my money back, and switch my destination to Romania?
Q. I've learned over the years that Ireland has a very precise system of weights and measures centred on the present cost of the pint. Some say that the future of the entire economy can be divined by subtle movements in the price of porter. My family requires substantial loans to finance our move to Ireland, but American bankers do not seem to find meaning in the very full pints I have lately been placing on their desks. Is there a central Irish authority regarding small shifts in the price of a pint to which I can refer my doubting bankers? Is the pint as rock solid as they say? Or will it be replaced by the Euro? If so, could Brussels speed up the pour times, please?
Q. I have a German shepherd from a line bred for generations to select for intelligence and kind disposition for the US seeing eye dog programme. My dog does not drink porter or leave crisp packets about in the park or race around in small automobiles. But I am told he must be quarantined in a cage for six months before being allowed into Ireland. This seems unfair, especially because I can make none of these claims regarding the dispositions of my three children: Ugh, Ick, and the more comely Ayuck. They are bad, and getting worse every day. If I were to put one or more of them in the Government's kennel system, could my sweet-tempered dog be processed more quickly?
I have many other questions but must start somewhere.
Yours, confused, David Monagan
